How to hear hard feedback.
Getting critical feedback is … not the most exciting thing ever. It can even be downright painful. You hear the words “opportunity for growth” and your brain translates that to mean that you basically suck at life. Next thing you know, you’re wallowing in despair. Or maybe that’s not you. Maybe instead you feel outraged. This “feedback” is totally unfair and instead of wallowing, you’re hopping on the complain train and listing all the many failures of your boss and everyone you work with in excessive detail.
Feedback is, in many ways, the exact blueprint we need in order to become who we want to become, and yet, we resist it like hell. We all want to get better at the things we do, but that doesn’t mean that we like the part where we’re told exactly how we’re not quite there yet.
But what if I told you that you could hear critical feedback without having negative feelings about it? You can get all the critical feedback all day long and;
Not have it ruin your day, but even better;
Make it work for you (instead of weaponizing it against yourself).
How is this possible? It seems like magic, but it’s not. It’s coaching. (Of course it is.)
The only reason that critical feedback feels bad is because of what we think that feedback means - about us, about the world, about our bosses. Maybe we think it means that we suck and we’re failing. Maybe we make it mean that our boss is an asshole. Maybe we make it mean that we’re not as far along as we should be.
Let’s just take that last example and break it down. When we have the belief that we should already be better than we currently are, we view everything through that lens. Yes, our work life, but often also all kinds of other things, like our relationships, bodies, bank accounts, and more. And when we have this belief, it can feel painful to have people explain to us in detail how we are not there yet. We already know we’re not there. We’re already mad at it. And it feels like they’re just rubbing salt in our wounds.
High achievers (that’s you) think that the solution to this is to simply get much better, as fast as possible. We think that the way to feel better is to be better. We may even think, on some level, that if we get good enough, then we won’t even have to have critical feedback. We think that would be fun.
And this approach may seem logical. But it doesn’t actually work. Because when you habitually think you’re not quite there yet, then you will keep applying that thought to yourself, no matter what you achieve. Even as you’re receiving glowing feedback, you will not feel satisfied, and instead you’ll be thinking about how you should be doing even better, getting even better feedback, at an even higher level.
It’s a vicious cycle. The more you want to get ahead, the further behind you feel. Not because you are behind in any kind of objective measure, but because you can never measure up to a belief that always says you should be further than you are.
What’s the solution? Change how you think about feedback. Feedback can help you get to where you want to go faster. But only if you can actually hear it. When you view feedback as evidence of your failure to be where you should be, then it’s painful to look at it. When you can’t look at it, you can’t examine, understand, and implement it. Which is to say, you can’t extract the very valuable information that the feedback contains and actually use it to your own benefit.
Feedback is like a map. But when you see it as evidence of your failings, then you will not want to spend any time studying the map. Looking at the map will feel terrible. You’ll want to have some vegan ice cream and a glass of wine instead.
But why? Only because you believe the feedback means something bad about you. Consider for a moment, if you looked at the same feedback through this lens: these are the exact directions I need to get to where I want to go. Then you would be excited to look at the feedback. You would be able to see it as something that can help you, not something that hurts you.
Let’s look at an example so that you can see what I mean.
Maybe your boss says that your “opportunity for growth” is leadership. Your boss specifically wants you to demonstrate more leadership in meetings with senior stakeholders. Instead of assuming this is a problem or a sign that you aren’t cut out for your role, flip it into a blueprint. The exact next step you need to take is to develop the skill of speaking in meetings. What does that skill involve? What do you need to do to help yourself create this ability? Do you need to prep notes? Do you need to practice what you’ll say? You know your own best answers for this.
You can also spend some time getting yourself excited to take on this learning by thinking about what will become available to you as you gain this skill. There might be roles you’ve been interested in but not applied to because they require speaking skills. Gaining this skill can serve you in your current role but it can also serve you in building a career path you love.
It’s normal to want to be told that we’re amazing. We all want that, on some level. And here’s the thing: you ARE amazing. But if you want to get some results that you don't have yet, you’re going to need to learn some new stuff. Feedback is like a highlighter that is showing you exactly what you need to learn. So the next time you get some “tough feedback,” take a deep breath, and then ask yourself: how can this help me become more of who I want to become?
One more thing. I know that some of you are wondering about “bad feedback.” Like, isn’t it true that sometimes feedback isn’t helpful or is just downright mean? Here’s my answer to that: you get to decide if the feedback has value or not. You can decide to discard feedback if you think it’s not useful. But I think it’s helpful to always start by looking at it as if it could be useful. Sometimes the feedback that we like the least can actually help us the most.
Love what I teach but the mere mention of critical feedback still sends you straight to the fetal position? I can help you with that. I’m currently accepting 1:1 coaching clients for August and September start dates. I’ve also got a few spots open for corporate speaking engagements. Learn more here.