We are all a little bit perfectionistic.
Some of you may identify as perfectionists. Some of you may not. But perfectionism is sneaky, so many people who have perfectionistic thoughts don’t necessarily see themselves as perfectionists.
They think that the way they do things is actually just the way things should be. They think that they’re just following the rules and doing what they said they’d do. They think they just have really high standards, and they like that about themselves (they often not-so-secretly wish everyone else had these high standards, too). They think, this work just has to get done. They think, I’m not going to let this slip through the cracks. They laugh and say, obviously I am not a perfectionist because I do lots of things that aren’t perfect everyday.
Sound harmless? It’s not. Because here’s what happens. They work their asses off and fuel themselves with anxiety and fear, and then they’re unhappy when their result is a 98/100, because they’re still thinking about those two points they didn’t get vs the 98 they did get.
They work late and go above and beyond but then they’re resentful when other people don’t do the same. They expect so much of themselves that they don’t even try many of the things they’d like to do because they aren’t willing to tolerate being less than stellar at anything. They say they want to rest but they can’t rest because their brain doesn’t think it’s the best use of their time. Or they do rest but then they spend the whole time analyzing if they’re “doing it right,” thus disrupting the rest they’re trying to create.
They fixate on perfectionist fantasy goals so they can imagine being so happy later but they are never happy in the now, because the now is always the actual, human experience.
The basic belief at the core of perfectionism isn’t exactly that everything has to be perfect, and this is why so many perfectionists don’t see themselves as perfectionists. They’re smart. Too smart to think that life should be perfect. But just because it can’t be perfect doesn’t mean it can’t be better. Now, the belief that things could be better isn’t a problem. A lot of progress comes from looking at something and seeing a possible improvement.
But when we take “could be better” and add a layer of “and it’s not ok to celebrate or rest until it is,” then we have a problematic thought pattern. Why? Because believing that it’s not ok to rest or celebrate until things are perfect is a recipe for burnout. Also, that perfect time when it’s all handled and everything is great is never coming. Because this is the human experience, and while we can do incredible things, we can always find more things to work on, so waiting until it’s done to rest or celebrate pretty much means we will never rest or celebrate.
Your ability to be happy in the future is directly correlated to your ability to be happy now, no matter what’s happening. And I want to be clear, I’m not saying we should always be happy. I’m just saying that when you tell yourself that you’ll be happy once you’re promoted, it’s not true.
Because being promoted won’t change your feelings if you keep thinking that you need to be just a little further ahead to be happy.
Here’s the real truth: your thoughts will go with you when you hit your goal. So if you want hitting your goal to feel amazing, you need to practice cultivating that feeling while you’re working on the goal. Don’t wait until you get there and expect satisfaction to show up like magic. It won’t.
Everything you want from any achievement is available to you NOW. Even if you’re at the grocery store and you “picked the wrong line” and you’re going to be late again and your vegan ice cream bars are melting. Even if your kid just drew on the freshly-repainted wall with a sharpie your partner left out. Even if you just found out that there was a big mistake in the report you presented to the CEO last week and now you have to go tell her about it.
And the more you practice creating the feelings you want, on purpose, in the imperfect now, the more those feelings will be available to you later, whether you hit your goals or not. But guess what? You’re actually MUCH more likely to hit those big goals, and this is why: when you let go of perfectionism, of the need to be amazing at everything, all the time, even before you’ve learned to do it, then you can actually try.
Does this sound un-glamorous? Probably. But I think that’s even more evidence of how attuned we all are to perfectionist ideals. Why is trying so unsexy? What if we chose to think it was amazing instead? What might you create or do if you were willing to suck at it, full out, for as long as it took to get better? I know so many people with big beautiful dreams that they aren’t working on because they’re afraid that maybe they can’t do it. But what if the question was never “am I good enough to pull this off?” What if, instead, we were willing to do whatever it takes to bring our dreams to fruition, even if it takes years?
When we let go of the perfectionistic idea that we need to be excellent at everything, including shit we’ve never tried before, then we have room to learn. When we have room to learn (and - gasp - even enjoy it), then we’re truly unstoppable. It doesn’t even matter if we already “have what it takes.” We can learn that along the way.
If you are ready to bid adieu to your perfectionist thought patterns, I can help you with that. I’m currently accepting 1:1 coaching clients for August and September start dates. I’ve also got a few spots open for corporate speaking engagements. Learn more here.