201. Stop Waiting for Your Partner to Read Your Mind
In this episode of Satisfied AF, I’m tackling a common frustration in relationships—wishing your partner could just know what you want without you having to spell it out.
I dive into why this mindset can lead to disappointment, frustration, and even resentment, and how it actually prevents the deep connection you’re craving.
I break down why we fall into the trap of expecting our partners to read our minds, the damage this can cause, and most importantly, how to flip the script.
You’ll learn how to communicate your needs clearly and confidently, and discover how asking for what you want can transform your relationship into one where you feel truly seen, known, and loved.
Whether it’s about planning a surprise, improving your sex life, or just getting flowers once in a while, this episode will empower you to stop waiting for your partner to guess and start building the connection you deserve.
Want customized support creating your wildly delicious life? Let’s hop on a free consultation call.
I’ll help you understand the blockers you’re facing and how to handle them moving forward. And I’ll share how a three-month 1:1 coaching package could supercharge your progress as well as your satisfaction.
WHAT YOU’LL LEARN FROM THIS EPISODE:
Why the “They should just know” mindset is so prevalent and harmful.
How unspoken expectations lead to frustration and resentment.
Practical steps to ask for what you want in your relationship.
The importance of clear communication in fostering deep connection.
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FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:
This week we’re talking about the desire for your partner to read your mind.
The Satisfied AF podcast is the place to learn how to create a life and career that’s wildly delicious. Want a steamier sex life? We’ve got you. Want a more satisfying career? We’ll cover that too. And you can be sure we’ll spend lots of time talking about how to build connected, fun relationships that can handle life’s ups and downs. No matter what goals you’re working on, this show will help you create a one of a kind life that is just right for you. Join me, life and career coach Kori Linn and each week I’ll give you lots of practical tips, tools, and proven strategies to help you create all the satisfaction your heart desires.
Hello, hello, hello, welcome back to Satisfied AF. I’m your host, Kori Linn. And today we’re going to talk about something that I know so many of you experience, wanting your partner to just know what you want, know what you need without you having to spell it out. Even if you’re comfortable telling your partner what you said in some scenarios, chances are there’s an area or two where you really wish they would just know the answers without you having to tell them.
Maybe you want them to plan a surprise party for you. Maybe you don’t like the way they go down on you, but you go into a full stress response imagining having a conversation about that. Maybe you just want them to bring you flowers once in a while. No matter what it is that you want, but aren’t asking for it, if you’ve ever found yourself thinking they should just know, or I shouldn’t have to ask, or if I have to ask, it doesn’t count, then this episode is for you.
We’re going to dig into why this mindset shows up in the first place, why it tends to create frustration and disappointment instead of romance, and exactly what you can do instead to build a, “Wow, they just get me” level of connection in your relationship.
But first things first, let me just say, I get it. I’ve been there. I know what it’s like to want desperately to be seen, known, understood, and loved without having to teach a syllabus on how I’d like to experience these things. It feels amazing when your partner just gets you without you having to say a word.
It feels dreamy and romantic and like a sign that you’re with the right person. And don’t we all want a sign like that sometimes? Especially in long-term relationships where sometimes you just aren’t having the best period of time with that person and you’re wondering if they’re really the right one for you.
But here’s the thing, insisting that real love means your partner is able to read your mind isn’t just unfair to them. It’s unfair to you because when they inevitably don’t guess every detail of your unspoken needs and preferences that can lead to frustration, resentment, and feeling disconnected from the person you care about the most. Not to mention possibly second guessing whether or not they’re actually a good fit for you.
And I don’t know about you, but I think that’s a lot of pressure to put on a romantic relationship, especially when you add in all the other stressors and pressures of life as a high-performing bad-ass.
All right, let’s get into it. Let’s start by talking about why you fall into the trap of thinking your partner should just know what you want. A lot of this comes from the romanticized idea that if someone really loves us, they’ll intuitively understand our needs and preferences without us having to ask. It’s like that whole soulmate narrative where you’re supposed to be so in sync that you can practically read each other’s minds.
Think about the cliché about finishing each other’s sentences. And where do these ideas come from? Like, why do we even have those narratives in our head? I think those are sold to us in many ways. Consider for instance, romance novels and romantic comedies. Listen, I love both of these, but sometimes looking at the way they portray love and relationships can make you feel so bad about the actual real messy human relationship you have.
These kinds of stories, and that’s what they are, they’re stories, can make you feel like you’re not happy enough. You don’t have sex enough or the kind of sex you have isn’t interesting enough, or that being in love should feel like fireworks all the time. And since it doesn’t feel like fireworks for you, maybe you’re not even in love at all.
And yes, these kinds of stories can make you feel like your partner should just get you. And that if they don’t anticipate every single thought you’ve ever had or need you have, that’s a sign in the plot that they’re actually a terrible fit. And your one true partner will be showing up momentarily, probably when you physically spill your coffee on them at a cute local bookstore.
And of course, there’s also the reality that most girls and women are raised to anticipate the needs of everyone around them and to be emotionally attuned to and in service of others. So it may seem normal to you, both for you to do that to others and also like something you should be able to expect from them.
But not everyone was socialized this way. For instance, most men were not socialized that way. And even if you’re partnered with a woman like I am, that doesn’t mean that they can always read your mind accurately. And let’s be honest, even when you’re partnered with someone who wants to anticipate your needs, it doesn’t always mean that they can because the truth is no matter how much someone loves you, they’re not going to be able to guess every thought in your head.
Even the most attentive partner isn’t going to know what you want or need in every situation, especially if you never tell them. Like then they’re not learning anything that they can later apply, right?
Also this is a totally separate person from you. Think about it, just like you have internalized ideas from your childhood, the way you were parented, the way you were socialized, even the books you read as a kid, so do they. They have a sea of information and ideas in their head. They have their own biases, assumptions, lessons learned the hard way and more.
Even if you had similar upbringings, they could have wildly different neural pathing than you do. Even if they want to be able to predict things about you, they may not be able to do it very well, or maybe they’re stunningly good at it sometimes and other times they just can’t pull it off.
One thing I’ve experienced myself from the other side of this is not wanting to guess if my partner would like something or want something because it can feel like a lot of pressure. Like if I guess correctly, wow, that’s super fun. I feel great about myself. Internal approval ratings go through the roof. But even imagining guessing poorly is stressful for me.
I actually had this recently because it was Alex’s birthday and I was trying to like plan something for her. And Alex would never do this, but I just imagined her looking at me and asking, why did you think I’d like this? And then feeling so ashamed and embarrassed that I wasn’t able to do a better job despite loving her to pieces and having been together for seven plus years now.
Let me also say this, someone guessing what you’re thinking or craving does not necessarily mean they’ll make a good partner for you. All it means is that you can count on them to know, instead of you having to learn the skill of sharing your real thoughts and desires. And this may sound good, but it also leaves you without an important life skill. One that’s useful in many places, besides just a romantic relationship.
We’re going to circle back to some of those ideas later, but first we’re going to talk about why not asking leads to frustration and resentment. So now we have an understanding of why we want so badly for our partners to read our damn minds already. And we have some idea about why that might not make sense or wind up working out in our favor.
Next, let’s talk about what happens when we sit around and wait for the magical mind reading. Usually what happens is that you don’t get what you want. You’re probably already deeply acquainted with how this story goes. You keep hoping your partner will magically figure it out. Maybe you drop hints and make some incredibly pointed eye contact. Maybe you sulk. Maybe you sit around nervously hoping they’ll figure it out, but they don’t.
And then you feel upset. You feel frustrated. Maybe you feel unloved. Maybe you give them a cold shoulder or even drop more hints or stew in silence thinking, why don’t they get it? If they just tried they could figure it out. It’s not that hard.
And the more that this happens, like the frustration builds up over time, resentment grows. And you might start thinking, if they really loved me they’d know what I need, or I shouldn’t have to ask for this. And this resentment creates distance between you and your partner. So instead of feeling connected, you start to feel misunderstood. Like I said, maybe you even feel unloved. And if you’re anything like I used to be, you might even think that this is a sign that they’re not the right one for you.
You can become so invested in this being their fault that they don’t get it, that you might not even realize it’s actually you who didn’t communicate with them. In this way, your desire to be close with them, your desire to be understood by them can actually backfire and create conflict in the relationship instead of creating connection because you’re looking for that closeness in them being able to read your mind, instead of looking to create that closeness with them by sharing your thoughts and desires.
And here’s the kicker. It’s totally possible your partner has no idea what’s going on. They probably aren’t aware that they missed the mark because you haven’t told them what they wanted. And they might be able to figure out that something is wrong. If you’re anything like me, there probably are some clues, I can get a little sulky and grouchy. But they also won’t know the full story unless you tell them.
And then we have to wonder, will you tell them or will you tell yourself that they should be able to read your mind about this part too? And if so, then of course, the cycle continues with both of you feeling increasingly disconnected and unsatisfied in the relationship.
So how do we break this cycle? It starts with shifting your mindset around asking for what you want and sharing what’s true for you. If you think it’s not okay to ask or that you shouldn’t have to, or both, you’re not going to ask. If that is your perspective, the logical result of that will be that you will not ask. And here’s the thing, then you’ll keep repeating the pattern and that’s going to lead to more distance and unhappiness in the relationship.
So if you want to be able to show up differently and create a different outcome with your partner, you’re going to need to be able to think about it differently. So we’re going to need to shift that mindset, right?
First and foremost, I want you to know that it is okay to ask for what you want. Like you’re allowed to, not just because I say so, but because that is part of how the world works. You’re allowed to share what you want and need. But you may think it’s not allowed, especially if you’ve had past experiences where you were punished, shamed, or guilt-tripped for sharing your desires and making requests.
If this is you, step one is to shift from, it’s not okay to ask to it is okay to ask. In order to make that shift, you might need to spend some time in the middle, which could sound like telling yourself that maybe it’s okay. Maybe it’s safe. Maybe you’re allowed to share what you want. Maybe your partner will even be glad to hear it. And if not glad, perhaps just open. And from there you will work towards believing that it is okay.
After that, you might choose to push your perspective even further, like choosing to believe that it’s not just okay, but actually essential. Not just essential, but actually delightful and so satisfying to share what you want and need. And you might even begin to believe that this, sharing what you need, sharing what you want, is how you build a relationship that feels amazing to be in. That’s definitely what I believe now. It doesn’t mean it’s always fun. Doesn’t mean it’s always easy, but this is how that closeness is created.
Now let’s tackle the second mindset blocker, the idea that you shouldn’t have to ask. This one is so interesting. Like why wouldn’t you have to? How does it make any sense that you can get what you want without asking? This may seem empowered, like I’m powerful if I don’t have to ask, but I actually think it’s entitlement and probably fear in disguise.
No matter how amazing you are, and listen, you are amazing, trust me, it’s still on you to communicate what you want and need. That’s no one’s job, but yours. Again, it’s super fun when people guess, but even the best people won’t always be able or willing to guess. That doesn’t mean you can’t have what you want. It does mean that you may need to be the one to disclose what that is.
But why wouldn’t you want it to be you? Yeah, it can be vulnerable to share, and we’ll get into that a little bit more in a minute. But also you’re so powerful and capable. You’re so knowledgeable about yourself. Why would you want to abdicate this responsibility? Why would you want to live a life where what you get is what people guess you might want instead of you owning what you want and taking steps and actions to share that with others and to make sure that it happens for you?
Sometimes we can get into a place where we just want other people to guess because we do that, right? Like think about what I talked about before about socialization. People who are socialized as girls and women are socialized to anticipate the needs of others. We are socialized to be emotionally attuned.
And so if you’re doing that and you’re over functioning and you’re over giving to others and you don’t have any energy left to care for yourself. You’re like, I care for everyone else, someone else needs to figure it out for me. I think what’s actually happening is that you’re overdoing it for other people and underdoing it for yourself. So something you may need to figure out to move forward on this is how to pull some of that energy back so you’re not caring so much for other people that there’s no one left taking care of you.
All that being said, I also understand if you still feel hesitant to ask for what you want and to share your true thoughts. You may be afraid it’ll seem needy, demanding, or high maintenance. If your partner just guesses and delivers what you’re craving, you don’t have to risk being seen in your desire and whatever you think that desire means about you. Where did those ideas come from? Where did you learn that having needs and desires might mean something bad about you?
A lot of us learn this in our socialization, especially if ding, ding, ding, we were socialized as women. It may be something you saw a man say to a woman on TV. It may be something an ex said to you. I know plenty of my exes have made comments of this kind. I want you to know if you have this fear, it doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. You’ve grown up in a culture that likely encouraged you to be small and easygoing and pleasing to others.
But that’s not working. Is it? Because then you wait for others to just read your mind and it makes you feel enraged when they don’t. And that makes sense. But the answer isn’t to wish harder for them to read your mind. The answer is to stop trying to be small and easygoing and pleasing to others, because you’re a person and the main character of your own life.
And being the main character of your own life means developing the skill of sharing your real desires and needs, even when it feels scary to do so. It means understanding that asking for what you want doesn’t mean you’re needy, demanding or high maintenance. It means you’re open and honest. It means you’re self-aware. It’s a way of taking responsibility for yourself. It’s a way of taking responsibility for your own needs and preferences and communicating them to your partner so they can have the opportunity to meet them.
And here’s something I want you to really let sink in, asking for what you want is an act of self-care and it’s an act of care for the relationship. It’s you saying, I matter. My needs matter. And I’m worthy of having these needs met. And it’s you saying, I love you, partner, enough to tell you the truth. I’m committed to you, partner, enough to be seen in my vulnerability and desire. I want this relationship with you, partner, to succeed, so I’m going to set it up to do well by sharing what I actually want and need here.
When you start to see it this way, it becomes less about feeling like you’re imposing on your partner and more about creating a relationship where both of you can thrive. It becomes less about them needing to just know and more about the two of you working together to create space to discuss both of your needs, preferences, desires, and dreams.
Okay, now that we’ve talked about the importance of asking for what you want, let’s get into the nuts and bolts of how to actually do it. I’m going to share a few steps that will help you ask for what you want clearly, directly, and confidently. And remember, it’s always an option to start small, practice these skills, and then work up to bigger tasks.
So if there’s a conversation you want to have with your partner, but you feel super nervous and uncomfortable, you can start with a smaller, more doable conversation instead. That will help you get some practice with the process and build up your confidence for the harder conversations. Okay, let’s go through the steps.
Step one, get clear on what you want. Before you can ask for something, before you can share your true desire, you need to know what it is you’re sharing. Take a moment to really think about what it is you want from your partner that you wish they would read your mind about.
Is it more help around the house, more quality time together, more verbal affirmations? Whatever it is, get specific. If you have a vague sense that you want things to be more romantic, dig into what that means to you so you can figure out something specific you can ask for and talk about with them.
Step two, choose the right time to talk. Timing is essential. You don’t want to bring up your request in the middle of an argument or when your partner is distracted. Find a time when you’re both calm and can have an uninterrupted conversation.
Step three, use I statements. When you’re making your request, frame it in terms of how you feel and what you’re asking for, rather than what your partner is or isn’t doing. For example, instead of saying, you never flirt with me anymore, you could say, I feel like our relationship has been less flirty lately and I miss that energy. Could we schedule a date and spend some time being flirty together?
Step four, be direct and specific, but also kind. Don’t beat around the bush or drop hints. Don’t be accusing. Just be clear about what you want. If you want to go on more dates, say that. If you want flowers every Friday, ask for them. The more specific you are, the easier it is for your partner to understand and respond to your request.
If there’s something you don’t feel like you can be direct about, try walking through this conversation with a smaller ask instead to build up your skills and your courage. Like asking for a six-second kiss instead of telling your partner you feel totally dissatisfied with your sex life.
Step five, be open to feedback. Listen, telling your partner what you want is scary and you’re so brave to try this kind of conversation at all. Many people don’t. The last thing you want is to be told you did it badly. Trust me, if you’re trying it at all, you’re doing great and I applaud you. But your partner might have their own response, which may include surprise, stress, defensiveness, or lots of other reactions. That doesn’t mean you did it wrong.
If you can stay curious, you’ll learn a lot about your partner and you’ll build useful skills for handling conflicts, big and small in the future. Even if you don’t get exactly what you wanted from the conversation the first time around, you’re developing useful skills that will help you create a more connected, satisfying relationship.
That being said, sometimes when you ask for what you want, you’ll find out your current partner isn’t up for it. This can be incredibly painful and frustrating, especially after all the hard work of being honest. But isn’t it better to know? Then you can choose if you want to stay in the relationship, knowing that there will be a gap where you two can’t meet each other, or you can decide to move on and find a relationship that will be able to provide for you in this arena.
Okay, to wrap things up, I want to challenge you to take the first step today. Think about one thing you’ve been wishing your partner would just read your mind about and then make a plan to talk to them about it. Use the steps we talked about, get clear on what you want, choose a good time, use I statements, be direct and specific and kind, and be open to feedback.
Remember asking for what you want. Isn’t about being demanding or difficult, it’s about creating a relationship where you can be seen and known and loved with all your true desires. And that’s something you absolutely deserve.
If this episode resonated with you and you’re ready to revamp your relationship for more satisfaction and delight, I’d love to support you on that journey. Reach out, book a call, and we’ll have a conversation about how we can get you feeling satisfied AF, because life is too long and too short to spend it wishing your partner would just read your mind already.
Thank you so much for tuning in today. If you found this episode helpful, please share it with a friend or leave a review. It helps others find the podcast and get the support they need to have a great week and I will talk to you next time.
Thank you for joining me for this week’s episode of Satisfied AF. If you are ready to create a wildly delicious life and have way more fun than you ever thought possible, visit www.korilinn.com to see how I can help. See you next week.
The Satisfied AF podcast is the place to learn how to create a life and career that’s wildly delicious. Want a steamier sex life? We’ve got you. Want a more satisfying career? We’ll cover that too. And you can be sure we’ll spend lots of time talking about how to build connected, fun relationships that can handle life’s ups and downs. No matter what goals you’re working on, this show will help you create a one of a kind life that is just right for you. Join me, life and career coach Kori Linn and each week I’ll give you lots of practical tips, tools, and proven strategies to help you create all the satisfaction your heart desires.
Hello, hello, hello, welcome back to Satisfied AF. I’m your host, Kori Linn. And today we’re going to talk about something that I know so many of you experience, wanting your partner to just know what you want, know what you need without you having to spell it out. Even if you’re comfortable telling your partner what you said in some scenarios, chances are there’s an area or two where you really wish they would just know the answers without you having to tell them.
Maybe you want them to plan a surprise party for you. Maybe you don’t like the way they go down on you, but you go into a full stress response imagining having a conversation about that. Maybe you just want them to bring you flowers once in a while. No matter what it is that you want, but aren’t asking for it, if you’ve ever found yourself thinking they should just know, or I shouldn’t have to ask, or if I have to ask, it doesn’t count, then this episode is for you.
We’re going to dig into why this mindset shows up in the first place, why it tends to create frustration and disappointment instead of romance, and exactly what you can do instead to build a, “Wow, they just get me” level of connection in your relationship.
But first things first, let me just say, I get it. I’ve been there. I know what it’s like to want desperately to be seen, known, understood, and loved without having to teach a syllabus on how I’d like to experience these things. It feels amazing when your partner just gets you without you having to say a word.
It feels dreamy and romantic and like a sign that you’re with the right person. And don’t we all want a sign like that sometimes? Especially in long-term relationships where sometimes you just aren’t having the best period of time with that person and you’re wondering if they’re really the right one for you.
But here’s the thing, insisting that real love means your partner is able to read your mind isn’t just unfair to them. It’s unfair to you because when they inevitably don’t guess every detail of your unspoken needs and preferences that can lead to frustration, resentment, and feeling disconnected from the person you care about the most. Not to mention possibly second guessing whether or not they’re actually a good fit for you.
And I don’t know about you, but I think that’s a lot of pressure to put on a romantic relationship, especially when you add in all the other stressors and pressures of life as a high-performing bad-ass.
All right, let’s get into it. Let’s start by talking about why you fall into the trap of thinking your partner should just know what you want. A lot of this comes from the romanticized idea that if someone really loves us, they’ll intuitively understand our needs and preferences without us having to ask. It’s like that whole soulmate narrative where you’re supposed to be so in sync that you can practically read each other’s minds.
Think about the cliché about finishing each other’s sentences. And where do these ideas come from? Like, why do we even have those narratives in our head? I think those are sold to us in many ways. Consider for instance, romance novels and romantic comedies. Listen, I love both of these, but sometimes looking at the way they portray love and relationships can make you feel so bad about the actual real messy human relationship you have.
These kinds of stories, and that’s what they are, they’re stories, can make you feel like you’re not happy enough. You don’t have sex enough or the kind of sex you have isn’t interesting enough, or that being in love should feel like fireworks all the time. And since it doesn’t feel like fireworks for you, maybe you’re not even in love at all.
And yes, these kinds of stories can make you feel like your partner should just get you. And that if they don’t anticipate every single thought you’ve ever had or need you have, that’s a sign in the plot that they’re actually a terrible fit. And your one true partner will be showing up momentarily, probably when you physically spill your coffee on them at a cute local bookstore.
And of course, there’s also the reality that most girls and women are raised to anticipate the needs of everyone around them and to be emotionally attuned to and in service of others. So it may seem normal to you, both for you to do that to others and also like something you should be able to expect from them.
But not everyone was socialized this way. For instance, most men were not socialized that way. And even if you’re partnered with a woman like I am, that doesn’t mean that they can always read your mind accurately. And let’s be honest, even when you’re partnered with someone who wants to anticipate your needs, it doesn’t always mean that they can because the truth is no matter how much someone loves you, they’re not going to be able to guess every thought in your head.
Even the most attentive partner isn’t going to know what you want or need in every situation, especially if you never tell them. Like then they’re not learning anything that they can later apply, right?
Also this is a totally separate person from you. Think about it, just like you have internalized ideas from your childhood, the way you were parented, the way you were socialized, even the books you read as a kid, so do they. They have a sea of information and ideas in their head. They have their own biases, assumptions, lessons learned the hard way and more.
Even if you had similar upbringings, they could have wildly different neural pathing than you do. Even if they want to be able to predict things about you, they may not be able to do it very well, or maybe they’re stunningly good at it sometimes and other times they just can’t pull it off.
One thing I’ve experienced myself from the other side of this is not wanting to guess if my partner would like something or want something because it can feel like a lot of pressure. Like if I guess correctly, wow, that’s super fun. I feel great about myself. Internal approval ratings go through the roof. But even imagining guessing poorly is stressful for me.
I actually had this recently because it was Alex’s birthday and I was trying to like plan something for her. And Alex would never do this, but I just imagined her looking at me and asking, why did you think I’d like this? And then feeling so ashamed and embarrassed that I wasn’t able to do a better job despite loving her to pieces and having been together for seven plus years now.
Let me also say this, someone guessing what you’re thinking or craving does not necessarily mean they’ll make a good partner for you. All it means is that you can count on them to know, instead of you having to learn the skill of sharing your real thoughts and desires. And this may sound good, but it also leaves you without an important life skill. One that’s useful in many places, besides just a romantic relationship.
We’re going to circle back to some of those ideas later, but first we’re going to talk about why not asking leads to frustration and resentment. So now we have an understanding of why we want so badly for our partners to read our damn minds already. And we have some idea about why that might not make sense or wind up working out in our favor.
Next, let’s talk about what happens when we sit around and wait for the magical mind reading. Usually what happens is that you don’t get what you want. You’re probably already deeply acquainted with how this story goes. You keep hoping your partner will magically figure it out. Maybe you drop hints and make some incredibly pointed eye contact. Maybe you sulk. Maybe you sit around nervously hoping they’ll figure it out, but they don’t.
And then you feel upset. You feel frustrated. Maybe you feel unloved. Maybe you give them a cold shoulder or even drop more hints or stew in silence thinking, why don’t they get it? If they just tried they could figure it out. It’s not that hard.
And the more that this happens, like the frustration builds up over time, resentment grows. And you might start thinking, if they really loved me they’d know what I need, or I shouldn’t have to ask for this. And this resentment creates distance between you and your partner. So instead of feeling connected, you start to feel misunderstood. Like I said, maybe you even feel unloved. And if you’re anything like I used to be, you might even think that this is a sign that they’re not the right one for you.
You can become so invested in this being their fault that they don’t get it, that you might not even realize it’s actually you who didn’t communicate with them. In this way, your desire to be close with them, your desire to be understood by them can actually backfire and create conflict in the relationship instead of creating connection because you’re looking for that closeness in them being able to read your mind, instead of looking to create that closeness with them by sharing your thoughts and desires.
And here’s the kicker. It’s totally possible your partner has no idea what’s going on. They probably aren’t aware that they missed the mark because you haven’t told them what they wanted. And they might be able to figure out that something is wrong. If you’re anything like me, there probably are some clues, I can get a little sulky and grouchy. But they also won’t know the full story unless you tell them.
And then we have to wonder, will you tell them or will you tell yourself that they should be able to read your mind about this part too? And if so, then of course, the cycle continues with both of you feeling increasingly disconnected and unsatisfied in the relationship.
So how do we break this cycle? It starts with shifting your mindset around asking for what you want and sharing what’s true for you. If you think it’s not okay to ask or that you shouldn’t have to, or both, you’re not going to ask. If that is your perspective, the logical result of that will be that you will not ask. And here’s the thing, then you’ll keep repeating the pattern and that’s going to lead to more distance and unhappiness in the relationship.
So if you want to be able to show up differently and create a different outcome with your partner, you’re going to need to be able to think about it differently. So we’re going to need to shift that mindset, right?
First and foremost, I want you to know that it is okay to ask for what you want. Like you’re allowed to, not just because I say so, but because that is part of how the world works. You’re allowed to share what you want and need. But you may think it’s not allowed, especially if you’ve had past experiences where you were punished, shamed, or guilt-tripped for sharing your desires and making requests.
If this is you, step one is to shift from, it’s not okay to ask to it is okay to ask. In order to make that shift, you might need to spend some time in the middle, which could sound like telling yourself that maybe it’s okay. Maybe it’s safe. Maybe you’re allowed to share what you want. Maybe your partner will even be glad to hear it. And if not glad, perhaps just open. And from there you will work towards believing that it is okay.
After that, you might choose to push your perspective even further, like choosing to believe that it’s not just okay, but actually essential. Not just essential, but actually delightful and so satisfying to share what you want and need. And you might even begin to believe that this, sharing what you need, sharing what you want, is how you build a relationship that feels amazing to be in. That’s definitely what I believe now. It doesn’t mean it’s always fun. Doesn’t mean it’s always easy, but this is how that closeness is created.
Now let’s tackle the second mindset blocker, the idea that you shouldn’t have to ask. This one is so interesting. Like why wouldn’t you have to? How does it make any sense that you can get what you want without asking? This may seem empowered, like I’m powerful if I don’t have to ask, but I actually think it’s entitlement and probably fear in disguise.
No matter how amazing you are, and listen, you are amazing, trust me, it’s still on you to communicate what you want and need. That’s no one’s job, but yours. Again, it’s super fun when people guess, but even the best people won’t always be able or willing to guess. That doesn’t mean you can’t have what you want. It does mean that you may need to be the one to disclose what that is.
But why wouldn’t you want it to be you? Yeah, it can be vulnerable to share, and we’ll get into that a little bit more in a minute. But also you’re so powerful and capable. You’re so knowledgeable about yourself. Why would you want to abdicate this responsibility? Why would you want to live a life where what you get is what people guess you might want instead of you owning what you want and taking steps and actions to share that with others and to make sure that it happens for you?
Sometimes we can get into a place where we just want other people to guess because we do that, right? Like think about what I talked about before about socialization. People who are socialized as girls and women are socialized to anticipate the needs of others. We are socialized to be emotionally attuned.
And so if you’re doing that and you’re over functioning and you’re over giving to others and you don’t have any energy left to care for yourself. You’re like, I care for everyone else, someone else needs to figure it out for me. I think what’s actually happening is that you’re overdoing it for other people and underdoing it for yourself. So something you may need to figure out to move forward on this is how to pull some of that energy back so you’re not caring so much for other people that there’s no one left taking care of you.
All that being said, I also understand if you still feel hesitant to ask for what you want and to share your true thoughts. You may be afraid it’ll seem needy, demanding, or high maintenance. If your partner just guesses and delivers what you’re craving, you don’t have to risk being seen in your desire and whatever you think that desire means about you. Where did those ideas come from? Where did you learn that having needs and desires might mean something bad about you?
A lot of us learn this in our socialization, especially if ding, ding, ding, we were socialized as women. It may be something you saw a man say to a woman on TV. It may be something an ex said to you. I know plenty of my exes have made comments of this kind. I want you to know if you have this fear, it doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. You’ve grown up in a culture that likely encouraged you to be small and easygoing and pleasing to others.
But that’s not working. Is it? Because then you wait for others to just read your mind and it makes you feel enraged when they don’t. And that makes sense. But the answer isn’t to wish harder for them to read your mind. The answer is to stop trying to be small and easygoing and pleasing to others, because you’re a person and the main character of your own life.
And being the main character of your own life means developing the skill of sharing your real desires and needs, even when it feels scary to do so. It means understanding that asking for what you want doesn’t mean you’re needy, demanding or high maintenance. It means you’re open and honest. It means you’re self-aware. It’s a way of taking responsibility for yourself. It’s a way of taking responsibility for your own needs and preferences and communicating them to your partner so they can have the opportunity to meet them.
And here’s something I want you to really let sink in, asking for what you want is an act of self-care and it’s an act of care for the relationship. It’s you saying, I matter. My needs matter. And I’m worthy of having these needs met. And it’s you saying, I love you, partner, enough to tell you the truth. I’m committed to you, partner, enough to be seen in my vulnerability and desire. I want this relationship with you, partner, to succeed, so I’m going to set it up to do well by sharing what I actually want and need here.
When you start to see it this way, it becomes less about feeling like you’re imposing on your partner and more about creating a relationship where both of you can thrive. It becomes less about them needing to just know and more about the two of you working together to create space to discuss both of your needs, preferences, desires, and dreams.
Okay, now that we’ve talked about the importance of asking for what you want, let’s get into the nuts and bolts of how to actually do it. I’m going to share a few steps that will help you ask for what you want clearly, directly, and confidently. And remember, it’s always an option to start small, practice these skills, and then work up to bigger tasks.
So if there’s a conversation you want to have with your partner, but you feel super nervous and uncomfortable, you can start with a smaller, more doable conversation instead. That will help you get some practice with the process and build up your confidence for the harder conversations. Okay, let’s go through the steps.
Step one, get clear on what you want. Before you can ask for something, before you can share your true desire, you need to know what it is you’re sharing. Take a moment to really think about what it is you want from your partner that you wish they would read your mind about.
Is it more help around the house, more quality time together, more verbal affirmations? Whatever it is, get specific. If you have a vague sense that you want things to be more romantic, dig into what that means to you so you can figure out something specific you can ask for and talk about with them.
Step two, choose the right time to talk. Timing is essential. You don’t want to bring up your request in the middle of an argument or when your partner is distracted. Find a time when you’re both calm and can have an uninterrupted conversation.
Step three, use I statements. When you’re making your request, frame it in terms of how you feel and what you’re asking for, rather than what your partner is or isn’t doing. For example, instead of saying, you never flirt with me anymore, you could say, I feel like our relationship has been less flirty lately and I miss that energy. Could we schedule a date and spend some time being flirty together?
Step four, be direct and specific, but also kind. Don’t beat around the bush or drop hints. Don’t be accusing. Just be clear about what you want. If you want to go on more dates, say that. If you want flowers every Friday, ask for them. The more specific you are, the easier it is for your partner to understand and respond to your request.
If there’s something you don’t feel like you can be direct about, try walking through this conversation with a smaller ask instead to build up your skills and your courage. Like asking for a six-second kiss instead of telling your partner you feel totally dissatisfied with your sex life.
Step five, be open to feedback. Listen, telling your partner what you want is scary and you’re so brave to try this kind of conversation at all. Many people don’t. The last thing you want is to be told you did it badly. Trust me, if you’re trying it at all, you’re doing great and I applaud you. But your partner might have their own response, which may include surprise, stress, defensiveness, or lots of other reactions. That doesn’t mean you did it wrong.
If you can stay curious, you’ll learn a lot about your partner and you’ll build useful skills for handling conflicts, big and small in the future. Even if you don’t get exactly what you wanted from the conversation the first time around, you’re developing useful skills that will help you create a more connected, satisfying relationship.
That being said, sometimes when you ask for what you want, you’ll find out your current partner isn’t up for it. This can be incredibly painful and frustrating, especially after all the hard work of being honest. But isn’t it better to know? Then you can choose if you want to stay in the relationship, knowing that there will be a gap where you two can’t meet each other, or you can decide to move on and find a relationship that will be able to provide for you in this arena.
Okay, to wrap things up, I want to challenge you to take the first step today. Think about one thing you’ve been wishing your partner would just read your mind about and then make a plan to talk to them about it. Use the steps we talked about, get clear on what you want, choose a good time, use I statements, be direct and specific and kind, and be open to feedback.
Remember asking for what you want. Isn’t about being demanding or difficult, it’s about creating a relationship where you can be seen and known and loved with all your true desires. And that’s something you absolutely deserve.
If this episode resonated with you and you’re ready to revamp your relationship for more satisfaction and delight, I’d love to support you on that journey. Reach out, book a call, and we’ll have a conversation about how we can get you feeling satisfied AF, because life is too long and too short to spend it wishing your partner would just read your mind already.
Thank you so much for tuning in today. If you found this episode helpful, please share it with a friend or leave a review. It helps others find the podcast and get the support they need to have a great week and I will talk to you next time.
Thank you for joining me for this week’s episode of Satisfied AF. If you are ready to create a wildly delicious life and have way more fun than you ever thought possible, visit www.korilinn.com to see how I can help. See you next week.
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