Be your own valentine

It’s a little bit late, but I want to talk about Valentine’s Day.

On Friday, I did a free group coaching call (it was amazing, btw) and I started off with a small talk about being your own Valentine.

So often the way we speak to ourselves is downright mean.

And what’s more - we’re scared to stop doing it.

We think being hard on ourselves is our secret weapon and that it helps us show up and do big work.

But it doesn’t.

It makes us feel like shit.

And let’s be honest, y’all -

Feeling like shit does not produce good work.

It produces despair and wondering why we’re even trying and getting a coffee to distract ourselves from our abject misery.

Being your own Valentine does lead to producing good work.

Why?

Because love and commitment are actually what keep us showing up and doing the work even when it’s hard.

And I’m not talking about lying to yourself.

I’m not talking about pouring on flowery language and pretending shit is ideal when it is not.

I’m talking about seeing how hard you’re trying and noticing what you’re doing well and celebrating how far you’ve come.

I’m also talking about telling yourself what isn’t working - but doing so in a kind way.

Less of this: you’re a f*cking mess and you better figure this out or else.

More of this: you are crushing it in so many ways and yes, let’s also figure out how to do xyz along the way.

Which one has you feeling more inspired and empowered to get back to work?

There’s literally nothing to lose from being kinder to yourself.

(Except for maybe the insomnia, anxiety, and shame spirals that are often side effects of being mean to ourselves nonstop.)

And there’s everything to gain - like my clients, you can learn to do more in less time, while having more fun.

You can learn to let go of all the ruminating and overthinking.

You can achieve goals that right now you can only dream of.

Why?

Because love and commitment are better fuel.

They will take you places that being mean to yourself can’t take you.

Give it a try. Be your own Valentine today, and see what happens.

Ok, you might be saying. But how do you do that?

What does it actually look like?

And, of course, how can you be sure that this won’t just become an excuse to stop working hard?

Here's how you do it: treat yourself like you'd treat someone you love. 

Tell yourself about all the things you're doing well FIRST. Then figure out how to handle all things that you want to change. 

This is what we do when our friends and loved ones struggle. When they say, "ugh, I suck," we say, "actually, you're amazing, even when you are struggling."

We even say, "I know you're going to figure it out." 

We say, "how can I help?"

We love them, even when they're struggling. And even if we don't know how, we know they'll get through the thing, whatever it is. 

Even if you are rolling your eyes at the idea of being your own Valentine, you will not roll your eyes at the incredible things you can do when you approach things this way.

Want to negotiate for that raise or ask for that promotion or facilitate a shift into flexible work hours?

Don't spend a ton of time criticizing yourself or questioning if you deserve it or worrying about what others will think (this is just a sneaky way that your brain uses to be mean to you, btw).

Tell yourself how awesome you are for figuring out what you want and asking for it. And then, from that place of awesome-ness, write the business case for why it's better for everyone, including the company, for you to have the exact thing you want. 

Want to crush that difficult conversation or project or presentation?

Do not yell at yourself about how unprepared you are. Do not obsess about how hard it will be. 

Tell yourself how f*cking cool it is that you are willing to do difficult things. Delight in what a badass you are. And then, from that energy, do the prep work that you can do and consider the possibility that no matter what happens, you can and will handle it (just like you always have).

Want to leave work at work so you can actually be present with your family in the evening or get to work on that novel you’ve been talking about or finally learn to knit?

Do not tell yourself that you should already know how to leave work at work. Don't judge yourself about how long it's taken you to get to work on the novel or the knitting. 

Tell yourself that it's a beautiful thing that you are willing to change your habits so that you can have more of what you want. Give yourself a gold star.

Changing habits is one of the most difficult things to do, and you're doing it. And from that place of appreciation for yourself, make a plan about how you're actually going to make this transition happen. What do you need to have in place? What will make this easier? 

Whatever it is, you can figure it out. And you'll figure it out much faster with Valentine energy. 

It's so much more exciting to brainstorm and problem solve and take action when you're doing it from a place of already appreciating yourself. 

It makes the whole thing feel worth it.

Taking action to create the life you want is hard. 

Doing it because you love yourself and it's fun makes it feel way better. 

Is it cheesy to be your own Valentine?

Who gives a shit - it can make your dreams come true. 

Try it today.