The case for self compassion & how to cultivate it

I went to Palm Springs this weekend, and y’all, the weather was GLORIOUS.

Here’s what also happened: I was sick for three days before we went, sick the entire time we were there, and was still sick when we came home. 

This is how life is sometimes.

Glorious. Sunny. Full of palm trees.

And also full of ibuprofen, cough drops, kleenex, and going to bed at 8pm every night of vacation.

So many of us spend so much time trying to do things perfectly.

Do a perfect job at work.

Have a perfect vacation.

But 50/50 is what life is actually like.

There’s always some stuff that’s great that we love and some stuff that we do not love and would not choose but are experiencing nonetheless.

Like being on vacation and being sick at the same time.

But also like having a great job when we actually want a different great job.

Or getting a lovely bonus or award and also not getting the promotion we really wanted.

Or having a short commute and excellent flex time but not really getting along with our boss.

And most of us are waiting to get things ‘just right’ so that we can finally enjoy them.

But guess what -

‘Just right’ is not a real thing.

There is no magical moment at which things will all be ‘just right.’

(Or maybe sometimes there is, but it will last for approximately 4 minutes before your brain finds another ‘just right’ to aim for.)

And this is all very good news.

Because the minute you stop trying to get to some imaginary future where things are better is the minute when you actually show up to your life as it is, 50/50 and all.

I was sick on vacation and I did not prefer it.

But once I am all recovered from this cold, there will still be things (in my life and the world) that I do not prefer (hello, climate change, politics, etc).

This is the human experience.

Truth be told, I was pretty irritated at myself for getting sick right before vacation.

But guess what -

Being irritated at oneself does not make one less sick (and actually just makes one feel worse).

Back when I worked in corporate and got burned out and sick A LOT, I was also mad at myself a lot.

Mad at my body.

Mad at my own choices that had gotten me there.

Mad at the world that being sick is part of life sometimes.

Shockingly, this did not help anything. 

Being sick is being sick, whether you’re mad at it or not.

But this is how so many of us respond to things not going the way we want them to.

We get mad.

We blame ourselves.

We blame the world.

And it does us exactly zero good.

And that’s why, even though, yes, I did just get mad about this exact thing (I’m a human, y’all), I am still here, making the case for self compassion.

Being sick is no fun.

BUT being mad at yourself about it definitely makes it WAY WORSE.

And this last week on vacation, I learned this lesson over and over as I vacillated between being angry at the situation/myself and being kind to the sick person who is me.

Guess which of those felt better?

Guess which of those was more fun?

You already know.

Compassion isn’t just warm and fuzzy.

It’s a real skill and when we learn to use it, we can be way more productive, happy, and yes, way more resilient and kind to ourselves when we inevitably get sick because we are human beings and that’s part of life.

Being compassionate with ourselves is also essential in a world where, as I said, there will always be things we don't prefer. 

So how do we actually do it?

How do we create compassion for ourselves?

How do we let go of the anger and irritation we feel at the world and our bodies and our lives not being exactly what we want them to be?

The anger and the irritation and the raging against what is (whether that's a cold or the state of the nation) comes down to your thoughts. 

These are thought patterns you've probably had for a long time. 

They just feel like the truth.

But they're not the truth. They're just one way of seeing things.

And the way that we shift from anger to compassion is by changing our thoughts. Changing how we see the world. Changing what we make it mean that we’re sick on vacation or that we don’t have the job we want or that we didn’t get the promotion. 

We’ve been taught to see all of these things as problems. But counterintuitively seeing these things as problems does not solve them. It usually just leads to us being angry at ourselves or feeling sorry for ourselves or both. 

Compassion is about being kind to ourselves. Even when we don’t have what we want. Even when it was maybe actually our own personal choices that lead us directly here to not having what we want. 

Many of us have been raised to believe that being kind to ourselves won’t create the results we want in our lives. 

But the opposite is true. 

Being kind to yourself, even when you’re struggling, is essential because it helps you keep going and it allows you to take the risks you need to take in order to do the things you want to do. In short, it allows you to actually try.

Being mean to yourself does not help you create a great life. It keeps you from taking risks and stretching yourself, because you know if you fail, you’ll beat yourself up. In short, it blocks you from trying. Trying becomes too risky, and so you don’t do it. You just maintain the status quo instead. Yes, you may still do amazing things (because you are already amazing), but you won’t be willing to reach for the next level or if you do, you’ll do it with a lot of fear and anxiety. 

Being kind to yourself, even when you try and fail, means that you can try anything. You can go after any goal. You can take the risks you want to take, because you know that even if things do not work the way you want them to, you don’t have to be mean to yourself later. And that's exactly how we get to the next level. We try and try and try. We don't let things not going well mean that we're doomed. We're kind to ourselves and we keep trying. 

We may know how to be kind to ourselves when things are going well, but it’s being kind to ourselves when things AREN’T going well that actually matters the most. 

Compassion = being kind to yourself. 

It really is that easy. 

No, it’s not making excuses for yourself or letting yourself off the hook. You can still hold yourself accountable. You can still want to do better. But you can do those things while also loving yourself and celebrating that you tried something. 

I did not want to be sick on vacation. But the moments I enjoyed that vacation the most were the moments that I was being the kindest to myself. The moments when I was accepting that being a human means that life is 50/50 and we get sick sometimes. The moments when I was admitting to myself that everything wasn’t actually ruined and that I could still have some fun, head cold and all. 

That’s what self compassion is all about.

And you can do it, too. 

Try it right now. 

What have you been angry with yourself about?

How can you be kind to yourself about it? Without giving up or letting yourself off the hook. But just being kind while you also hold yourself accountable and love your imperfect self.

Whatever you come up with, do that. 

You’ll be amazed at the results. 

You’ll have more fun. You’ll be more productive. You might actually create some results that you’ve been struggling to create for a long time. Or you might just enjoy a day that moments ago you thought was completely ruined. 

No matter what happens, it’s a success if you just try. 

In my 1:1 coaching practice, I work with womxn who’ve created amazing results for themselves but are also tired, overwhelmed, and anxious.

After working with me, they get more done in less time while having way more fun and being much kinder to themselves.

If that’s what you want to create in 2020, let’s hop on a free call. I’ll coach you about something that’s going on in your life and we’ll see if you’re a good fit for my work. Either way, you’ll get one stellar coaching session.