Neutralizing Failure

Many of us have received a lot of social conditioning that failure is bad, and that it means something bad about us if we fail at something. So even though we might like to believe that failure is ok and even part of success, we also have a strong aversion to the idea of failing. Even if someone smart tells us failure is actually useful, and even if we believe them, that old social conditioning is still there, impacting our choices and how we show up. 

Before I went through coaching, I basically equated failure with death. Not that I thought I’d literally die, exactly, but the aversion was pretty extreme. I wanted to be good at everything, all the time, including things I didn’t even know how to do. What this translates to is not being willing to try new things and learn new skills, which basically blocks you from doing anything you can’t already do. But I was also an overachiever, so I did do new things and try to learn new skills. I just felt horrible the whole time I did it. This is what I see with so many of my clients. It’s not that they block themselves from going after what they want, exactly. It’s more that everything is a grueling, gut-wrenching ordeal with clenched teeth and white-hot shame coursing right under the surface. 

So what do we do? How do we embrace failure and learn to try new things and work towards big goals without it being excruciating? We learn to tell a new story about failure. 

Years and years ago I read an Ask Polly column titled, “you are not uniquely fucked,” and I think about this title often. I even say these exact words to my clients in calls sometimes. 

I know from personal experience how very much it can feel like we are, indeed, uniquely fucked in some unnameable but deeply important way. I know what it’s like to fall on one’s ass, metaphorically and literally, and to feel like you are the only one who ever disgraces herself this way. 

But you’re not. 

Here’s the real truth: we all fall down sometimes. Everyone who is doing anything worth doing is either falling down, has just fallen down, or is about to fall down. Even people who have “made it” and are successful (ahem, especially people who have “made it” and are successful). 

Last month, I hit a revenue milestone that I’ve been dreaming of since my business launched two years ago. The goal was to hit it in the first 12 months. I didn’t. The next goal was to hit it in the first full calendar year. I didn’t hit that either. I failed, y’all. I failed the yearly goal and I failed many, many monthly and quarterly revenue goals along the way. My brain had A LOT of thoughts about it. I got A LOT of coaching about it. I kept working on that goal, even though part of my brain wanted to give up and go hide in a cave. I finally hit the goal in August 2020. For people outside my business, it looks like a stunning success. For me, I see all the failing and trying and sweating and cursing that went into it. And I want y’all to see it, too, because I want you to know that it’s normal. 

And that brings us to this week’s challenge. Pick someone you admire. Someone you think is so cool and awesome and successful. Your brain will want to focus on how wonderful you think they are, how far ahead of you they are. But take a moment to also think about this: how have they failed? What mistakes have they made? And why do you still love them, even if they’re not perfect? Do you by chance actually love them more because of some of these exact struggles?

When it comes to loving imperfect humans, it’s easier to love someone else. But when we slow that down, it can help our brain realize that we, too, are lovable and admirable and good, even though we’re not perfect. This week, we want to teach your brain that failure is something we all experience, and we want to do that by showing your brain an example of someone who has failed that you still love. 

Come hang out with me on insta and let me know what comes up for you when you think about failure this way. And if you want to keep up with others who are also doing this challenge, come comment on my Friday Q&A posts to share your fail-wins, ask questions, and more!

Dying to ditch perfectionism and finally crush those goals you’ve been polishing for years?

I’d be delighted to help you out with that. I’m currently accepting 1:1 clients. Also, bonus: my coaching packages are totally virtual so as to better serve my global audience (and yes, I’ve worked with people who are not native English speakers with great success). Learn more here.